Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Seven Days After


Exactly a week ago today, I was sitting in a waiting room with about twenty other people, equally anxious and scared; all there because someone they loved was in surgery. Sitting in that room for four hours with Steve's wheelchair by my side, was the longest four hours of my life. I was unable to focus on anything except the huge lump in my throat and the short breaths that heaved from my chest. 

We were four hours away from home, in the big city. The days were long and the nights even longer. Steve has said that this week was the most difficult week of his lifeworse than breaking his back. He said he's been dreaming about the army daysvivid dreams, full of color and texture and sounds.  It's brought us both back to that time, that place that will probably always haunt us.

Steve came home yesterday. Back home. I feel like I can breathe again, like the worse is over and I can finally let go. My body is telling me to slow down; my jaw is sore from clenching my teeth, my muscles tight from worry, and my eyes puffy from sleepless nights.

We piled into bed last night, all with our pajamas and watched Penguins of Madagascar on TV.  In that moment, I felt complete bliss, so much happiness, I could have burst because we survived. Because we were together again. Because I know how lucky we are.

I know that not every family in that waiting room has made it homemany are still there, filled with worry and sadness. I know many of them will be there for a long time because I was sitting there when the surgeon came in and said it was not good news, it was lymphoma and the size of a pumpkinin his brain.  I'm also thinking of the woman who died on Steve's floor the night of his surgery, 93 years old. I heard the nurse say that she was an organ donor but that her organs were not viable. I also heard her say there was no one to call. She was alone in this world.

So today, I am counting my blessings and then some. I am wholeheartedly expressing my gratitude to you for your loving-supportive words on this blog and the countless other messages we have received from friends who have reached out and told us we were not alone. I'm grateful for the surgeon who did what he said he would do and for the nurses who cared for Steve with respect and kindness.

He's sleeping. He's home. The healing continues, but I have again been changed by this experience, we both have. We have been to many painful and dark places this week, but I feel the rain has tapered off and I see the rainbow just over the horizon.

With buckets of LOVE, 

11 comments:

  1. love to each of you
    piling in bed just being
    together. the best healing.

    your love for steve reminds
    me to remember my love for
    bryce, each day.

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  2. thank you danielle for filling my heart with your words.... xx

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  3. And buckets of love right back atcha!!

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  4. beautifully written, Danielle. you are surrounded in love. you guys are in my thoughts as Steve continues his road to good health. xoxox

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  5. So glad your news has been good and he's home and you're all recovering. Your words give me encouragement as I prepare to go through my own surgery experience with husband. I am anxious for that time when I can exhale.

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  6. Welcome back home. You will all be healing together, you made it through.
    Still sending you love.

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  7. Much love and peace to you and your family!

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  8. Your words are so beautiful I hope soon to read them in a book as I think they would fill a persons soul to over flowing.Sending much love and appreciation to all 3 of you for sharing your story and words with me.

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  9. Sending you a bucket of love and hugs...what a blessing you and your family are to each other!!

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  10. Every once in a while for the past 7 days the realness of your family experience came rushing into my mind and i sent a little vibe of love and light your way. So very happy to hear that Steve is back home and working towards healing. Keep taking care of yourself and your family.

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  11. i love you so much. to be able to express exactly the feeling here helps us to feel just a piece of that too. sharing this must be hard. i see bright days. i see the immense LOVE the two of you share and its nothing less than inspirational and beautiful. what a gift each of you have. and i'm so proud to call you both friends. i think of you guys every day. love you to the ends of the earth.

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Thank-you for your words. I tuck them inside my heart pocket. xo